I don't think I every really knew LOVE before you...
I had a pretty decent idea of what it might be...
I always dreamed, to some degree, it would feel like this...
I didn't know it would look like you...
I was always optimistic about it being possible, and I---a true hopeless romantic...
I never felt LOVE like this...
I feel so connected to you...
I can see your heart, read your thoughts, feel your presence when you are way over there...
I am inside of you, and you me...
LOVE IS...
...YOU & ME!
E.Javon
Monday, December 14, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
DO WHAT YOU LOVE...
Surely, we've all heard the saying "DO WHAT YOU LOVE..." and the rest will fall into place, right?...
When I initially decided to accept this notion, change my life, live by my responsibility to it's idea of doing so, and while simultaneously applying it to my life... I will admit, not as easy as I had anticipated...well, not exactly "everything" ---the natural gifts that came so natural, were always easy of course, as I'd possessed them for as long as I could remember, and found joy in doing them all my life...that part, simple? yes!...but the notion of having to wrap my mind, resources, literally my life, and/or accept compromising everything else that I didn't LOVE---but, provided income, and made me miserable when I had to do it---wasn't so easy? Should it have been?---probably...just the misery of it all, one would think, should be enough...for me though, not so much...
So I prayed, and am still praying about it as a matter of fact...what would GOD have me to do now? As it was more than apparent, and obvious even, that I had reached the point of no return---and because of that, it was really difficult to turn back now...I mean, I was clearly in the "realization" stage of my life....and that meant no more of excuses of why I wasn't doing what I needed to (hence me now realizing why that was)....and on top of that---when I even had to think of doing more of what provided no real satisfaction versus that which made me ecstatically happy....I knew that I had a huge responsibility to this realization, and ultimately now having to change my life's direction because of it----understanding though, that I had to hold myself accountable to what I now knew to be the right way of doing things... Uncomfortable and afraid?Heck yeah!...Asking now for GOD to grant me the encouragement to continue pressing forward, even if I was uncertain of where and when things would happen for me---but committing to do my part, and leaving the rest to GOD...my added self-encouragement came in the form of me "keepin' it real" with myself , admitting to always be true to the truth of what was honest and right---if I continued going the wrong way, I would still have a dream deferred and/or unfulfilled...and the misery would continue in my life...therefore leaving no more room for the "duh" moments of "why is this happening and/or not happening for my life?" that have now proven to be so out of order...
HELLO!!!!!----Life was calling me to a place, and position that only I could maintain, and fulfill---and I knew it! I felt it all up and through my body!...so my new prayer was asking GOD to grant me the ability to see, recognize what avenues, people, places, and things were the ones for me...Between a rock and a Hard place? I should surely say so...
Understanding my mind and how if worked was my first task and most important one...why would I be so optimistic one moment and the next, not so much...
The problem seems to arise when I allow my mind to think "how will I make money from doing what I LOVE" firstly, as oppose to just doing what I LOVE initially...it puts ones creativity in "starvation" mode---desperate even ,and in turn this tends to out weigh your abilities to be creatively expressive...now don't misunderstand my intentions on this one, because getting paid for what you love---is definitely a great aspiration, yes!--but desperate to do so, and focusing on the money first and foremost will surely suck the joy out of your GOD given Gifts...when I do, I'm not encouraged so much to be creative---and this is certainly a cruel, and unusual form of self destruction...(so tired of being at that point)...SIGH!
I should be tired by now of going there!!!!---UGH---
Now that I realize the points that I reach in my mind, when and how...
I've learned that once you lose the fear that has stopped your creative flow...the answers magically appear---then you realize you have tons of choices to choose from, some of them may not be the right route---but choices none the less....but the starvation and "desperate to make a buck" mode will prevent you from maximizing on answers in the form of opportunities you so desperately seek to balance talent ,and resources both....hmmmmm?
Pray for me!---I'M STILL WORKING ON IT!.....(thank you for hearing my thoughts out loud...)
When I initially decided to accept this notion, change my life, live by my responsibility to it's idea of doing so, and while simultaneously applying it to my life... I will admit, not as easy as I had anticipated...well, not exactly "everything" ---the natural gifts that came so natural, were always easy of course, as I'd possessed them for as long as I could remember, and found joy in doing them all my life...that part, simple? yes!...but the notion of having to wrap my mind, resources, literally my life, and/or accept compromising everything else that I didn't LOVE---but, provided income, and made me miserable when I had to do it---wasn't so easy? Should it have been?---probably...just the misery of it all, one would think, should be enough...for me though, not so much...
So I prayed, and am still praying about it as a matter of fact...what would GOD have me to do now? As it was more than apparent, and obvious even, that I had reached the point of no return---and because of that, it was really difficult to turn back now...I mean, I was clearly in the "realization" stage of my life....and that meant no more of excuses of why I wasn't doing what I needed to (hence me now realizing why that was)....and on top of that---when I even had to think of doing more of what provided no real satisfaction versus that which made me ecstatically happy....I knew that I had a huge responsibility to this realization, and ultimately now having to change my life's direction because of it----understanding though, that I had to hold myself accountable to what I now knew to be the right way of doing things... Uncomfortable and afraid?Heck yeah!...Asking now for GOD to grant me the encouragement to continue pressing forward, even if I was uncertain of where and when things would happen for me---but committing to do my part, and leaving the rest to GOD...my added self-encouragement came in the form of me "keepin' it real" with myself , admitting to always be true to the truth of what was honest and right---if I continued going the wrong way, I would still have a dream deferred and/or unfulfilled...and the misery would continue in my life...therefore leaving no more room for the "duh" moments of "why is this happening and/or not happening for my life?" that have now proven to be so out of order...
HELLO!!!!!----Life was calling me to a place, and position that only I could maintain, and fulfill---and I knew it! I felt it all up and through my body!...so my new prayer was asking GOD to grant me the ability to see, recognize what avenues, people, places, and things were the ones for me...Between a rock and a Hard place? I should surely say so...
Understanding my mind and how if worked was my first task and most important one...why would I be so optimistic one moment and the next, not so much...
The problem seems to arise when I allow my mind to think "how will I make money from doing what I LOVE" firstly, as oppose to just doing what I LOVE initially...it puts ones creativity in "starvation" mode---desperate even ,and in turn this tends to out weigh your abilities to be creatively expressive...now don't misunderstand my intentions on this one, because getting paid for what you love---is definitely a great aspiration, yes!--but desperate to do so, and focusing on the money first and foremost will surely suck the joy out of your GOD given Gifts...when I do, I'm not encouraged so much to be creative---and this is certainly a cruel, and unusual form of self destruction...(so tired of being at that point)...SIGH!
I should be tired by now of going there!!!!---UGH---
Now that I realize the points that I reach in my mind, when and how...
I've learned that once you lose the fear that has stopped your creative flow...the answers magically appear---then you realize you have tons of choices to choose from, some of them may not be the right route---but choices none the less....but the starvation and "desperate to make a buck" mode will prevent you from maximizing on answers in the form of opportunities you so desperately seek to balance talent ,and resources both....hmmmmm?
Pray for me!---I'M STILL WORKING ON IT!.....(thank you for hearing my thoughts out loud...)
Monday, October 26, 2009
SACRED CONTRACT WITH YOURSELF...
Today, I had a conversation with someone who was concerned as to why I hadn't answered the phone in the last 2 days...asking me if I was "okay"...once I felt comfortable enough to confide (per. me and said person's trust level) what my reasons where and why, and offering my explanation of what was up with me , but that I was simply reassessing things , and in the middle of what I felt was the hugest transition of my life... I was at a point where I was wanting certain things to come to fruition based on what I felt I had contributed to their growth so far, and that I simply felt it necessary to set aside a few days and/or time to just mull over some details of the next steps, and what I felt was next for me in my transition to the next level...translation, I was"choppin" it up with GOD about what he was doing in my life, and what "he" would have me do next---confirming what I wanted at this stage of "me", and simply feeling an attitude of gratitude (in any case) of where I was on today...you know, just placing an order of my needs and wants...
Oddly, I got a response I didn't expect...hmmm...the person immediately assumed I was depressed and/or sad about what was going on in my life...and proceeded to tell me to just "be happy"...as odd as the advice was I accepted it and deep down inside I felt "hey, I'm not sad, and wasn't at the time I was "mulling" over what to do"--- further more, I wasn't sad about the happenings in my life at all as a matter of fact, but only reassessing my situation to see what, where, how, and when I was going to accomplish what next...as does any person who has a "plan", right? ODD? ---not to me...hard for the "other" person to absorb for reasons I never figured that ...hmmm....later I wondered if maybe the person I was talking to was sad themselves, and assumed I was too? Simply projecting and/or misunderstanding that I just wanted to simply share my thoughts, and not necessarily receive advice for them per this imaginary "problem" they assumed I was having....hence the fact I didn't say "I have a problem, what's your advice".... but instead, just needing the person to be a listening ear, and to give reasons as to why I wasn't available...
OH WELL...no time to explain to folks who can't understand...the 2 days were good for me...
... by the end of the 2 day sabbatical, the "issue" had worked it's self out, as I had anticipated---hence needing "shut-down" time to hear and recognize my answer, with no outside interferences..
Still trying to understand and/or figure out how I had gotten such an unexpected response....I asked myself? "where the channels crossed?"... I didn't consider my expectations of a decent conversation and/or just needing ear of understanding as to where I was--- to be that far fetch---at least not to me...hmmm?...Interesting, yes, to say the least!
I came to the conclusion...
That the most inner feelings you have, often times, aren't meant to be shared, and will never be fully translated for others to understand---for good reason...People are only "human", and once you open the door to share what you are feeling, often times, the person (s) on the receiving end assume you want to know what they think---or why else would you be sharing???...hmmmm---I can understand that...
You are your first and always truest confidant, and your instincts are for sure on point, when sifted through GOD' s opinion (also known as your spirit)---this may come off as if you don't need people, but quite the contrary---you simply learn when to lean on the power within, when to consult others in fellowship, and knowing that you must always be clear of what you expect from the person(s) on the other end---Let's be clear....there are times "fellowship" is manditory....but, always expect an outside opinion---not necessarily always being something you may want or need to hear, but simply recognizing it as being just an alternate assessment, outside of your own of course, of what someone else might think about it....
Oddly, I got a response I didn't expect...hmmm...the person immediately assumed I was depressed and/or sad about what was going on in my life...and proceeded to tell me to just "be happy"...as odd as the advice was I accepted it and deep down inside I felt "hey, I'm not sad, and wasn't at the time I was "mulling" over what to do"--- further more, I wasn't sad about the happenings in my life at all as a matter of fact, but only reassessing my situation to see what, where, how, and when I was going to accomplish what next...as does any person who has a "plan", right? ODD? ---not to me...hard for the "other" person to absorb for reasons I never figured that ...hmmm....later I wondered if maybe the person I was talking to was sad themselves, and assumed I was too? Simply projecting and/or misunderstanding that I just wanted to simply share my thoughts, and not necessarily receive advice for them per this imaginary "problem" they assumed I was having....hence the fact I didn't say "I have a problem, what's your advice".... but instead, just needing the person to be a listening ear, and to give reasons as to why I wasn't available...
OH WELL...no time to explain to folks who can't understand...the 2 days were good for me...
... by the end of the 2 day sabbatical, the "issue" had worked it's self out, as I had anticipated---hence needing "shut-down" time to hear and recognize my answer, with no outside interferences..
Still trying to understand and/or figure out how I had gotten such an unexpected response....I asked myself? "where the channels crossed?"... I didn't consider my expectations of a decent conversation and/or just needing ear of understanding as to where I was--- to be that far fetch---at least not to me...hmmm?...Interesting, yes, to say the least!
I came to the conclusion...
That the most inner feelings you have, often times, aren't meant to be shared, and will never be fully translated for others to understand---for good reason...People are only "human", and once you open the door to share what you are feeling, often times, the person (s) on the receiving end assume you want to know what they think---or why else would you be sharing???...hmmmm---I can understand that...
You are your first and always truest confidant, and your instincts are for sure on point, when sifted through GOD' s opinion (also known as your spirit)---this may come off as if you don't need people, but quite the contrary---you simply learn when to lean on the power within, when to consult others in fellowship, and knowing that you must always be clear of what you expect from the person(s) on the other end---Let's be clear....there are times "fellowship" is manditory....but, always expect an outside opinion---not necessarily always being something you may want or need to hear, but simply recognizing it as being just an alternate assessment, outside of your own of course, of what someone else might think about it....
Saturday, October 24, 2009
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...
I'VE CREATED A NEW SOCIAL NETWORK.... "THE OFFICIAL SOCIAL NETWORK"...
ANOTHER AVENUE FOR SOCIALINZING AND NETWORKING...
"Spontaneous sociability is critical to economic life because virtually all economic activity is carried out by groups rather than individuals. Before wealth can be created, human beings have to learn to work together..." -- Francis Fukuyama
www.officialsocialnetwork.ning.com/
CHECK ME ON BLACK PLANET :
www.blackplanet.com/OFFICIALSOCIALNETWRK/
ANOTHER AVENUE FOR SOCIALINZING AND NETWORKING...
"Spontaneous sociability is critical to economic life because virtually all economic activity is carried out by groups rather than individuals. Before wealth can be created, human beings have to learn to work together..." -- Francis Fukuyama
www.officialsocialnetwork.ning.com/
CHECK ME ON BLACK PLANET :
www.blackplanet.com/OFFICIALSOCIALNETWRK/
THE PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT YOU...
It's really interesting that once you decide to set your mind to do and accomplish something positive--- the people who decide to support your endeavors, aren't the ones you'd anticipated...when I started the THE OFFICIAL SOCIAL NETWORK, I was so excited (and still am) about the people that I knew would support it...not just the people I was already in the communique with (past and present) but the new people I was now encountering...Assuming that joining my network would be something they would want to be apart of...oh geeze! was I wrong or what? ...funny, because the people that have decided to unite, collaborate, and/or support me, and my efforts to be one of the newest and biggest networking sites, was more than surprising, and astounding to say the least...And the people who have chosen not to be apart of my efforts...hmmmm? HATERS?... I don't know...I think it's really interesting how most people are apart of multiple networking/social sites already promoting what seems to be important to them ...i.e., when they eat, sleep, shhhh-t, what they cook for dinner the night before, party schedules, and or random blurts of what they feel about whatever----that adding mines to the list of their many avenues for socializing would be something they would want to do... HOW WRONG WAS I? very!
WHY PEOPLE CHOOSE NOT TO SUPPORT....
1. My assumption is that people are "band-waggon" jumpers, and are only willing to join something once it's gained popularity and/or national recognition...not understanding that everyone must start somewhere, right?...and
2. uh? HATERS? hmmmm--you be the judge...lol The most not so creative excuse I've heard to date (of course, only choosing one from many) : "I don't have time" MY RESPONSE: But you log into Face Book, My Space, and other sites everyday....lol although I enjoy knowing when people "eat, sleep, and shhhh---t" as it's blasted on the walls ot their choice...it is, and always will be for sheer entertainment purposes only...lol...someone said to me, just today as a matter of fact, that "TIME is so important"....and if there is one thing I know for certain, it's that people make time for what they really "want" to do....
ON A POSITIVE NOTE.... God has a great sense of humor, as much as I would like for certain folks to join, I am only attracting only the "cream-of the crop" to my network, and people who are actively doing something positive...ready and willing to support a good cause...One might concede though, I am simply attracting what I am and/or representing....the "cream of the crop"...for that, I am so GRATEFUL! ....PEACE!
Sucker FREE ZONE..."You are the company that you keep"
Who's around you, and what is their purpose/value to you?...the people you allow in your realm are reflective of who you are (good & bad)...and are real life, living, breathing, walking, all up in your face, lessons to be learned..some pleasant realities... while others, harsh as hell, hard to swallow and to digest even...from the friend(s) who's always positive to the one that gets on your nerves... there is a reason for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE...that being the case,hmmm...WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS SAY ABOUT YOU?
As easy as it is to blame other people around me as being the reason(s) for my problems... I knew that doing that to myself was wrong and cowardly...and if I expected to grow, learn, and get to the next level of self mastery, as it relates to" ME", I HAD BETTER KEEP IT REAL ( WITH "ME")...
My "Self" assessment of "Thyself"...
Today I took an inventory of who's around me and why... what am I suppose to learn from the folks in my inner circle?Not to mention the new people I'm ATTRACTING...and the results were astounding, even to me!!...the statistics of who's nurturing my growth (and growing with me) was a pretty decent percentage, per their self-quality that is.. (a sure pleasant reality)... and the surprising realization I had to come to of those that weren't, was and still is being assessed (hmmmm?),is 2 be cont'd... some people's expiration dates snuck up on them (me too for that matter) and they had simply expired and or disappeared from my life ...I'm guessing that, subconsciously, as my focuses started to change,I found it more difficult to mesh well with allot of the people in situations where we no longer shared the same interest...Realizing that I had actually out grown the people,places,and things I use to do!...DAMN!...How can I put those folks in a certain category without being offensive and just cutting them off completely?...Besides, they still do serve a purpose...hmmm?
MY SOLUTION?... I GOT IT!...
I'll visit in spurts and never stay too long (short-n-sweet)...I mean after all they did mean something to me...there was tons of history and lots of LOVE still there...I had "accidentally" just out grown them and what we use to do...One might argue, they are still there for a reason, right?..Well, in any case, wish me luck!..today I put my theory to the test!...
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER ONE OF MY MANY THOUGHTS OUT LOUD... ....(exhale)
As easy as it is to blame other people around me as being the reason(s) for my problems... I knew that doing that to myself was wrong and cowardly...and if I expected to grow, learn, and get to the next level of self mastery, as it relates to" ME", I HAD BETTER KEEP IT REAL ( WITH "ME")...
My "Self" assessment of "Thyself"...
Today I took an inventory of who's around me and why... what am I suppose to learn from the folks in my inner circle?Not to mention the new people I'm ATTRACTING...and the results were astounding, even to me!!...the statistics of who's nurturing my growth (and growing with me) was a pretty decent percentage, per their self-quality that is.. (a sure pleasant reality)... and the surprising realization I had to come to of those that weren't, was and still is being assessed (hmmmm?),is 2 be cont'd... some people's expiration dates snuck up on them (me too for that matter) and they had simply expired and or disappeared from my life ...I'm guessing that, subconsciously, as my focuses started to change,I found it more difficult to mesh well with allot of the people in situations where we no longer shared the same interest...Realizing that I had actually out grown the people,places,and things I use to do!...DAMN!...How can I put those folks in a certain category without being offensive and just cutting them off completely?...Besides, they still do serve a purpose...hmmm?
MY SOLUTION?... I GOT IT!...
I'll visit in spurts and never stay too long (short-n-sweet)...I mean after all they did mean something to me...there was tons of history and lots of LOVE still there...I had "accidentally" just out grown them and what we use to do...One might argue, they are still there for a reason, right?..Well, in any case, wish me luck!..today I put my theory to the test!...
THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER ONE OF MY MANY THOUGHTS OUT LOUD... ....(exhale)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
1 DAY @ A Time....
Okay, so for 3 days I've been dreading the fact that I had this huge task that needed to be completed... First, let's rewind (shall we?)
JUST ANOTHER PERIODIC SELF CHECK...(sigh)
...After doing one of my random self-realization checks (of self), I had to come to the harsh reality that one of my biggest down falls about my personality was my procrastination issue, but only when it came to tedious details...although this wasn't the case with everything... just the thought of having to follow iddy bitty little tiny-weeny detail oriented steps---test my patients to the 10th power and I found myself being exhausted (in my mind) even before I began to follow the steps, literally...(I'm nauseous just thinking about it...I can't wait until I'm rich enough to appoint someone else to do all "that" for me...but, for now I must do it myself per my resources...lol)...So since I realize that is and has been one of my biggest problems (for my past and some of my "present" mistakes---hence the fact, that I'm "working" on it..) I know and realize, that I definitely need to work on this issue NOW not LATER!!...
THE "TEST" ... (PER MY "PROBLEM to be worked on...)
...now, fast forward, on today...(we shall)... I had to really check myself about completing this task, coming to the swift realization that if I didn't do it, no one would, leaving the task undone...if that were the case, I had no one to blame ,nor the right to complain, but, only to myself for what I didn't do for me...I felt I had suffered from this "problem" far too long and it was time to work it out, first, and give it up...so at the point of getting tired (of myself) I set out to complete "the task" (remember I prayed 3 days about this..lol) So all prayed up, I go!...all the while---I kept my promise to really pay attention to myself (especially my thoughts and feelings of the people & places I had to encountered in order to complete said task)... I was really finally at the point of no return & fed up with myself about this issue and sincerely wanted to understand why I found this to be so difficult...all the while seeking counsel, of course... "LORD-GOD PLEASE TAKE THE WHEEL" (I said in my mind at least a thousand times, today alone!)...Simultaneously, paying attention to what I was so afraid of, impatient about, and what was so hard about all this...and why?...
MY "DUH" MOMENT...that essentially became my answer...
...and then the answer hit me! (like a ton of fricken bricks)...in reality it was no different from anything else I actually enjoyed doing (that required my focus and attention) per a specific task... It was all in my mind!!!!...I expected that "it" would be hard and that's exactly what I got...So, I took my same bubbly "happy to do" attitude (that I'd apply to what I really found joy in doing) and did what I had to do (with that attitude in mind) accepting that the same rules apply...wow! what a day!!! ...I just seemed to talk to the right people at the perfect time, while completing what I previously thought to be so dog-on horrendously difficult...okay, just being honest, of course I still have to practice this way of thinking, along with the attitude that comes along with it...but, I've set my mind on "master-mode" to attain said "attitude perfection" ...there were more than enough reasons why this way of being,now, was so important for me to understand and or fix about myself...but mainly for the sheer sanity of it all (not to mention "it's healthy" DAMN IT!! ...hahaha)...and NOTHING was worth going crazy over ...(Hell 2 the naw!)...I am more than sure that some situation is just willing,waiting, and ready to challenge me....But I can simply start with what I can control and that is my mind ,and what I "think" about "it"...but always keeping in mind while being patient with myself...I'm a work in progress...
WHAT EVER WAS MY PROBLEM, ANYWAY?
I noticed that when I had to depend on other people to complete the task and they had something I needed (with no other way around them and or it...) ..is when I began to feel vulnerable, as my trust level would disappear, causing fear, then irritation which inevitably became down right anger and disgust... ultimately leading to me wanting to flee the situation before I got what I initially came for and needed..WHEW! So this was a "fear of trust" issue all this time? (basically!)...but the reality is, there will be plenty more times ,like 99% more, when I will have to follow the rules and subject myself to people who will help me to complete the task I need to, in one way or another...I just have to trust that the situation will give me what I "need",but most importantly, something of value (not always monetary and or tangible) but some times the value in just the lesson of the experience it self, is priceless by comparison...hmmm? (DEEP, I know)...Different personalities to be experienced while doing so, force me to be humble in order to get what I "need", while many times learning a much "needed" lesson, all in the same breath and or process ...I realize (in the "lesson" of today) ..that no one can resist a non-resistant person in any given situation...hmmmm? (that's a whole new blog...coming soon..lol..) In any case...I'm working on "it" ( "it"--meaning--"me") that's for sure...One DAY at a time... 1 person & 1 place,too, for that matter...
It's tough being honest with yourself....(Inhale...exhale...big sigh)...this talk out loud makes me feel so naked...I'm just sayin'...uh?..hmmmm??....yeah.
JUST ANOTHER PERIODIC SELF CHECK...(sigh)
...After doing one of my random self-realization checks (of self), I had to come to the harsh reality that one of my biggest down falls about my personality was my procrastination issue, but only when it came to tedious details...although this wasn't the case with everything... just the thought of having to follow iddy bitty little tiny-weeny detail oriented steps---test my patients to the 10th power and I found myself being exhausted (in my mind) even before I began to follow the steps, literally...(I'm nauseous just thinking about it...I can't wait until I'm rich enough to appoint someone else to do all "that" for me...but, for now I must do it myself per my resources...lol)...So since I realize that is and has been one of my biggest problems (for my past and some of my "present" mistakes---hence the fact, that I'm "working" on it..) I know and realize, that I definitely need to work on this issue NOW not LATER!!...
THE "TEST" ... (PER MY "PROBLEM to be worked on...)
...now, fast forward, on today...(we shall)... I had to really check myself about completing this task, coming to the swift realization that if I didn't do it, no one would, leaving the task undone...if that were the case, I had no one to blame ,nor the right to complain, but, only to myself for what I didn't do for me...I felt I had suffered from this "problem" far too long and it was time to work it out, first, and give it up...so at the point of getting tired (of myself) I set out to complete "the task" (remember I prayed 3 days about this..lol) So all prayed up, I go!...all the while---I kept my promise to really pay attention to myself (especially my thoughts and feelings of the people & places I had to encountered in order to complete said task)... I was really finally at the point of no return & fed up with myself about this issue and sincerely wanted to understand why I found this to be so difficult...all the while seeking counsel, of course... "LORD-GOD PLEASE TAKE THE WHEEL" (I said in my mind at least a thousand times, today alone!)...Simultaneously, paying attention to what I was so afraid of, impatient about, and what was so hard about all this...and why?...
MY "DUH" MOMENT...that essentially became my answer...
...and then the answer hit me! (like a ton of fricken bricks)...in reality it was no different from anything else I actually enjoyed doing (that required my focus and attention) per a specific task... It was all in my mind!!!!...I expected that "it" would be hard and that's exactly what I got...So, I took my same bubbly "happy to do" attitude (that I'd apply to what I really found joy in doing) and did what I had to do (with that attitude in mind) accepting that the same rules apply...wow! what a day!!! ...I just seemed to talk to the right people at the perfect time, while completing what I previously thought to be so dog-on horrendously difficult...okay, just being honest, of course I still have to practice this way of thinking, along with the attitude that comes along with it...but, I've set my mind on "master-mode" to attain said "attitude perfection" ...there were more than enough reasons why this way of being,now, was so important for me to understand and or fix about myself...but mainly for the sheer sanity of it all (not to mention "it's healthy" DAMN IT!! ...hahaha)...and NOTHING was worth going crazy over ...(Hell 2 the naw!)...I am more than sure that some situation is just willing,waiting, and ready to challenge me....But I can simply start with what I can control and that is my mind ,and what I "think" about "it"...but always keeping in mind while being patient with myself...I'm a work in progress...
WHAT EVER WAS MY PROBLEM, ANYWAY?
I noticed that when I had to depend on other people to complete the task and they had something I needed (with no other way around them and or it...) ..is when I began to feel vulnerable, as my trust level would disappear, causing fear, then irritation which inevitably became down right anger and disgust... ultimately leading to me wanting to flee the situation before I got what I initially came for and needed..WHEW! So this was a "fear of trust" issue all this time? (basically!)...but the reality is, there will be plenty more times ,like 99% more, when I will have to follow the rules and subject myself to people who will help me to complete the task I need to, in one way or another...I just have to trust that the situation will give me what I "need",but most importantly, something of value (not always monetary and or tangible) but some times the value in just the lesson of the experience it self, is priceless by comparison...hmmm? (DEEP, I know)...Different personalities to be experienced while doing so, force me to be humble in order to get what I "need", while many times learning a much "needed" lesson, all in the same breath and or process ...I realize (in the "lesson" of today) ..that no one can resist a non-resistant person in any given situation...hmmmm? (that's a whole new blog...coming soon..lol..) In any case...I'm working on "it" ( "it"--meaning--"me") that's for sure...One DAY at a time... 1 person & 1 place,too, for that matter...
It's tough being honest with yourself....(Inhale...exhale...big sigh)...this talk out loud makes me feel so naked...I'm just sayin'...uh?..hmmmm??....yeah.
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