1 DAY @ A Time....

Okay, so for 3 days I've been dreading the fact that I had this huge task that needed to be completed... First, let's rewind (shall we?)
JUST ANOTHER PERIODIC SELF CHECK...(sigh)
...After doing one of my random self-realization checks (of self), I had to come to the harsh reality that one of my biggest down falls about my personality was my procrastination issue, but only when it came to tedious details...although this wasn't the case with everything... just the thought of having to follow iddy bitty little tiny-weeny detail oriented steps---test my patients to the 10th power and I found myself being exhausted (in my mind) even before I began to follow the steps, literally...(I'm nauseous just thinking about it...I can't wait until I'm rich enough to appoint someone else to do all "that" for me...but, for now I must do it myself per my resources...lol)...So since I realize that is and has been one of my biggest problems (for my past and some of my "present" mistakes---hence the fact, that I'm "working" on it..) I know and realize, that I definitely need to work on this issue NOW not LATER!!...
THE "TEST" ... (PER MY "PROBLEM to be worked on...)
...now, fast forward, on today...(we shall)... I had to really check myself about completing this task, coming to the swift realization that if I didn't do it, no one would, leaving the task undone...if that were the case, I had no one to blame ,nor the right to complain, but, only to myself for what I didn't do for me...I felt I had suffered from this "problem" far too long and it was time to work it out, first, and give it up...so at the point of getting tired (of myself) I set out to complete "the task" (remember I prayed 3 days about this..lol) So all prayed up, I go!...all the while---I kept my promise to really pay attention to myself (especially my thoughts and feelings of the people & places I had to encountered in order to complete said task)... I was really finally at the point of no return & fed up with myself about this issue and sincerely wanted to understand why I found this to be so difficult...all the while seeking counsel, of course... "LORD-GOD PLEASE TAKE THE WHEEL" (I said in my mind at least a thousand times, today alone!)...Simultaneously, paying attention to what I was so afraid of, impatient about, and what was so hard about all this...and why?...
MY "DUH" MOMENT...that essentially became my answer...
...and then the answer hit me! (like a ton of fricken bricks)...in reality it was no different from anything else I actually enjoyed doing (that required my focus and attention) per a specific task... It was all in my mind!!!!...I expected that "it" would be hard and that's exactly what I got...So, I took my same bubbly "happy to do" attitude (that I'd apply to what I really found joy in doing) and did what I had to do (with that attitude in mind) accepting that the same rules apply...wow! what a day!!! ...I just seemed to talk to the right people at the perfect time, while completing what I previously thought to be so dog-on horrendously difficult...okay, just being honest, of course I still have to practice this way of thinking, along with the attitude that comes along with it...but, I've set my mind on "master-mode" to attain said "attitude perfection" ...there were more than enough reasons why this way of being,now, was so important for me to understand and or fix about myself...but mainly for the sheer sanity of it all (not to mention "it's healthy" DAMN IT!! ...hahaha)...and NOTHING was worth going crazy over ...(Hell 2 the naw!)...I am more than sure that some situation is just willing,waiting, and ready to challenge me....But I can simply start with what I can control and that is my mind ,and what I "think" about "it"...but always keeping in mind while being patient with myself...I'm a work in progress...
WHAT EVER WAS MY PROBLEM, ANYWAY?
I noticed that when I had to depend on other people to complete the task and they had something I needed (with no other way around them and or it...) ..is when I began to feel vulnerable, as my trust level would disappear, causing fear, then irritation which inevitably became down right anger and disgust... ultimately leading to me wanting to flee the situation before I got what I initially came for and needed..WHEW! So this was a "fear of trust" issue all this time? (basically!)...but the reality is, there will be plenty more times ,like 99% more, when I will have to follow the rules and subject myself to people who will help me to complete the task I need to, in one way or another...I just have to trust that the situation will give me what I "need",but most importantly, something of value (not always monetary and or tangible) but some times the value in just the lesson of the experience it self, is priceless by comparison...hmmm? (DEEP, I know)...Different personalities to be experienced while doing so, force me to be humble in order to get what I "need", while many times learning a much "needed" lesson, all in the same breath and or process ...I realize (in the "lesson" of today) ..that no one can resist a non-resistant person in any given situation...hmmmm? (that's a whole new blog...coming soon..lol..) In any case...I'm working on "it" ( "it"--meaning--"me") that's for sure...One DAY at a time... 1 person & 1 place,too, for that matter...
It's tough being honest with yourself....(Inhale...exhale...big sigh)...this talk out loud makes me feel so naked...I'm just sayin'...uh?..hmmmm??....yeah.